I wish I could punch you in the face.
as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"
Would I chase a raccoon with a flaming stick sober?
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
She's licking the whiskey out of the carpet. I think we may be soulmates.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I'm bringing pajamas, aspirin, morning after clothes and morning after pill
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Randomize