I don't usually arrange sex via text message
dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
You walked away saying that you had to pee and you never came back. We found you an hour later in his roommate's bed. Under the covers. Still in your wet bathing suit.
i woke up to banging and pieces of ceiling falling on my face
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
I came back and almost ran over two people passed out in my driveway I've never met before in my life
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Please tell me why we have been neighbors since elementary school and waited until the night before I moved to fuck.
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