Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.
They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
My coke dealer 411'd my work number just to see how I was doing and gave me his new number. He must miss my business
On a lighter note, my mom and I were playing scattergories, and for "things that you keep hidden" we both put dildo. Proof that we really are related.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
Dude, my vagina feels like new again! I love antibiotics. How's your day?
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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