this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.
I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job
What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?
Let's just say trying to drink my weight in apple pie shots looked better in theory.
You just kept screaming at everyone 'not to break your scarf' and doing somersaults
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
Again? Most people check out of hotels, they don't escape from them
Ive been high since the plane left the ground in Los Angeles and Ive been in Chicago. Right now, Im on a train headed towards downtown to go to an anime convention. At this point, I am just taking life as it comes, furries and all.
Oh I see how it is...you can snap chat the world your balls but I wear dinosaur feetie pajamas and I'm the "weird one"
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
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