Apparently throwing up on his dick didnt convince him to stay away . . . whats the most indirect way of saying "im just going to continue avoiding you"?
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Maybe you can hide out somewhere she would never go. Like a counseling center or AA
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Did I tell you about the swingers? Because I think they're trying to trap me.
Randomize
