Midget sex pt 2 tonight
First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Let's pretend this is a good idea before I change my mind.
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm still not a hundred percent.. I haven't shit anything solid in two days.. I have pulled my puker muscles and I can't take deep breaths cuz of other unidentified muscles/maybe heart attack
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I really just want to eat 20 mcnuggets and slap everyone with the box when I'm done.
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
