Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
Just proof I should've brought the airhorn with me to class.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Also, totally got laid in my yellow rubber boots and it was awesome.
Stop calling him just to say, "my vagina misses you."
I woke up this morning next to my computer with Google search results for "how to put out a fire."
I'm very scared to turn around.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
Randomize
