At least you're going to bed with all the teeth you woke up with
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
my mom took me to a gay bar and went on and on about all her good times at clubs... i now know where i get it
He's only a little bit crosseyed.
I think this is one situation where "a little bit" doesn't mean much.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
he just sent me a dick pic, it highly resembled a cheese stick
I let him stay at my place since i had to work early and when i got home there was a fruit snack wrapper in my bed. I dont have any fruit snacks. Which means he brought his own fruit snacks to the fuck session.
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Where do you think your fantastically immense lady-boner for men in uniform comes from?
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Randomize
