Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.
Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
After what I experienced at 6am this morning, all I can say is chew your noodles thoroughly.
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
