Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
I'm so bored right now i'm literally Googleing all the possible ways to get high with household items as my mom is sitting in front of me..
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
hahahah
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
We fucked on the roof... like that has to mean something
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