He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
And if you put this on Facebook, I will drop live cockroaches in your mouth while you sleep and then smother you with a pillow.
You always say the most romantic things
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Also fuck yeah conspiracy
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
Randomize
