When are you freeeeeeeeee?
My phone auto corrected that to freeeeeeeeeedoooooooooom. That's kinda awesome.
my shit smells like andre
How was the bike ride?
Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time
I just typed in random letters on his address bar... 5 out of the 6....a porn site was in the drop down list hahahahaha get a life bro.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I plan on blacking out and milking a cow
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
She moaned the name on my fake id during sex, that or she's cheating on me with someone named Victor
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I Woke up still tied to the bed. I would say, it was a good night!
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
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