I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
No more jager for that guy. He jacked the neighbor kids big wheel, rode around making jet noises, then passed out behind the wheel and rolled it and broke his wrist
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
The fact that he offered to stop once he stuck it in my ass was sadly the most considerate thing anybody's ever done for me.
Well she just asked a sorority girl if she should fuck her floor mate so it's basically like the blind leading the blind
The cops wrote boobs in the police report. ...vandalism is our calling
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I miss all the tiny banana hammocks... When can I go back to ogling? I can do it from a lot farther than six feet without any complaints.
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