They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I just didn't expect you to be so naked....
You drinking a lot?
No.
Define a lot
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
So you honestly dont remember putting honey in your bong? You kept talking about how you wanted to become a bee and fly
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I don't know if I want to cry scream puke or go somewhere and drink more. This is such a weird emotion.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
Just FYI, by the transitive property my breasts have now touched the Stanley Cup.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
