i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
We won 11 games of beer pong, and then I spent a half hour trying to get into the top bunk. Then i realized it was a cabinet in the bathroom
Someone with the Instagram name "hymenbreaker" just liked a photo of me and my grandma. I feel ashamed.
If I end up in a healthy relationship because of this, I will NEVER forgive you!!!
You didn't try to help me when I fell on the dance floor. She brought me cupcakes. You're a shitty friend, suck your own dick.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Can I drink yet?
It's Monday morning.
Your point?
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
Shit day. Some kids decided to open my car at 3 AM while I was at work and the alarm went off. I went after them with a sword but they were minors so I didn't kill them.
Randomize