8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
We don't watch enough power rangers
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I was giving you head in the kitchen, and when I looked up you were eating a quesadilla.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
