Ooooh. That's not a mole. Uncomfortable.
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
Your friends ate a hole through an entire loaf of bread
I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
He has great stamina, he knows how to use his tongue, and he's hung like a goddamn Pegasus. I can overlook the man bun.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Just packed a snack to eat on the way to McDonald's. That stoned.
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
What’s the best way to find out if he’s into anal?
I think you have the wrong number, but good luck with that
Randomize
