Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
You don't have to believe me. My vagina knows it happened.
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Someone snapchat me a pic of you topless laying on the bar with Scotty pouring a bottle of tequila down your throat. IT'S NOT EVEN ELEVEN YET.
School starts next week
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Randomize
