I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...
Does an alley count?
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Of course I'm using oj as a mixer, its flu season.
The next time you scream bombs away when you are inside me will be the last time you are inside me
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I woke up remembering only that I got pulled over by a cop, then looked over and found that same cop, naked.
Randomize
