broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
My walk of shame was far more interesting today. He's moving and was cleaning out his apartment, so not only was I carrying my clothes, I also walked away with 4 bottles of cheap wine and a jar of ragu.
i hope someone procrastinates by putting up the pics up...
sarah said she can't even post all of hers due to facebook indecency rules
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
I just found out why people like handcuffs.
Randomize