Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
I can do anything tonight that doesnt involve an erection.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
Lucas & I had a photo shoot with her cape & I had child arm floaties on most the night.. woke up in a spiderman bed
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
Are there any rules against fucking the hot TA?
Maybe for her....
Her problem, not mine
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
wait you fucked a guy who wears k-swiss? seriously?
I know, im living my 7th grade dream
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
