Maury Povich's contact info is in our database at work...i should steal it right?
Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.
in a thick russian accent she said "im not so good with english, much better with dick"
You definitely in your drunken state were really concerned you would forget to buy milk today
It's either gonna be a cock in my mouth or a burger. You decide which.
Had to immediately delete the Bevmo email because I can't even look at an email about alcohol right now.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
You know she's gonna fuck shit up when she shows up in a neon wind-suit
Just did. I played that shit out so casual I deserve an Oscar. Or am Emmy, or whatever the fuck you get for acting like a boss
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
you were making out with a girl because you told her you were part of Nsync
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
