i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"
who were those guys at the table sniffing dryer sheets?
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
Woke up to find my underwear in my purse to only remember I took them off at the airport
Randomize
