My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
Umm went to talk to a client ended up seeing his semi erect penis. This is my life.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I totally accidentally said "we don't go around hammering girls in the rear" in front of 132 5th graders today.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
Got promoted and on my way out the door was informed that my beard makes my face perfect for riding. Today is gonna be a good day.
I don't know who's idea it was to get wine for a frat party but my poor pitiful hung over self really fucking hates them.
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