Our hot neighbor just came over and asked for a toilet plunger...not so hot anymore
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed
i just had a pap smear and two shots. lets hit the beach.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
