If I was doing exactly what I wanted right now I would be getting fucked on a jet ski while listening to "When Love Takes Over" by Kelly Rowland while eating french fries.
I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias
This is what happens when you live with someone you met on Grindr
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize