I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
soon, soon....
I don't believe you anymore. You're like the boy who cried coitus.....
I just swallowed some ecstasy stuck in my nose from last night. Work should be interesting.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I mean I want to go somewhere. I just don't want to put on pants or behave.
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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