I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I'm seeing double. Its like being in a room full of people
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like
New drinking game: take a shot everytime Jay-Z is played during the NFL draft.
I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Don't bother coming over to clean the mess. I already paid two kids 5 bucks for it, just didn't tell them you peed all over the place. You do owe me 5 bucks though
I really enjoy how cavalier you're being about your chlamydia
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
I decided not to look up the nudes, because I believe that there is a line, and that mocking my old classmate's horrid nudes alone crosses that line.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
you bounced a quarter off my butt and it came back hitting you in the eye. karma, bitch.
Randomize
