these burps are starting to have way more vomit in them,
Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
do you think he would believe thats it not really my period, and that i ate a lot of licorice?
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
He has a burner phone just to send dick pics. It's revolutionary
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Found your brother. He was passed out in the tub holding a bottle of Shatto milk wearing nothing but his tighty-whities.
Randomize
