So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
How hard do you think it would be to make a drinking game out of a Slip-N-Slide? Asking for a friend.
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
So my mom wants to hear about my weekend. How do I make licking cupcake frosting off your face while high not sound like just that?
Baked goods and tits. Hard to go wrong there.
I keep getting congratulated for drinking 2 six packs of mikes hard and winning the Olympic marathon and I don't remember this shit and now my throat is on fire
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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