I think my vagina is haunted
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Cumbucket.....OH MY GOD THAT COMES UP AUTOMATICALLY NOW!!
I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.
Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
Dorm room. In. Elevator. Fell in. Boom. Puke
Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
well a fat roach just fell out of my hair. so there's that
It's 7:30pm and we've already lost someone and had to run from the cops. What the fuck did you put in the punch?
Someone keeps hanging up bible verse posters in the bathroom stall I masturbate in at work.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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