I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
One huge ass giant mistake followed by celebatory shots and coors lights thats my day in a nut shell
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
We fucked so hard and loud that the everyone at the party downstairs starting chanting his name. Oh I we broke a lamp.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Randomize
