I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Hon, I found you crying into a bathrobe in the back of a closet with a broken shoerack.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
You’re better off without him. Actually, he’s better off without you and that’s what really matters
Randomize
