He is such a slut. More and more my type.
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I think it's a friendship ring and the other part is on his cats collar
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
I think it's safe to say taking shots on the way to the emergency room was rock bottom. We're going to need to think of ways to top that between now and next new years eve...
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I took a sleeping pill while he was in the bathroom. Time for a game of how long can we bang before I fall asleep.
You are both horrible and amazing
Some girl came up to us crying that she lost her phone and you said "if it's meant to be, let it be"
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
Randomize
