Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
i havent had this much fun since the last time i farted and it created a boner.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
just because she blew him doesn't mean she knows his name.
So i literally just wrote sorry on my quiz and turned it in.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
Just as I was applauding myself for the best wing man award, I realized we are going to have to burn our futon.
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Randomize