my room smells like sperm. sweet.
its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?
Stop whining I left you with whiskey
YOU LEFT ME WITH WHISKEY ALONE IN A CABIN IN THE MIDDLE OF NOWHERE I AM GOING TO DIE.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I hope I didn’t eat too many edibles just now. I got shit to do today. Like make Jell-O shots and take a shower.
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
Randomize
