there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Like theyre better than no shoes. I'm sitting her balls naked playing xbox in nothing but crocs with the fur
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
It's not safe here. I had urgent and violent diarrhea last night, and I got blackout drunk. Please don't come over.
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
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