11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
so now she's a stripper
can't say i'm surprised
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
Birthday are for suffering. TAke some tylenol pm and day-drink tomorrow
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
I don't want a big night. But I am okay if we wake up in a penthouse at Crown Casino.
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
Randomize
