Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
With sake I got over my irrational fear of seafood. Now I just fear sake.
He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
There's something very strange about masturbating in a hotel room. I feel like I'm cheating on my room...
Worst date ever. Bro she asked when we can start having kids because her clock was ticking.
Run dude. Just run
It's shark week go big or go home
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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