you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
2 bagels in my tummy and my herpes on my mind
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.
Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.
best text I've received ever.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
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