the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore
We woke up at 7:30am. We got a 30 rack, yelled at all the freshman shackers walkin back to their dorms, played a game of beer die, and boned all before 11:00am. I found my soulmate
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
You're going to find someone that you love very much and that loves you, and then you're gonna find an additional person that you literally can't stop staring at from across the room. I feel very confidently about that
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
Randomize
