You don't have asthma, your pregnant
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?
WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
I JUST HAD A FLASH MEMORY OF DOING A SHOT OF WHISKEY WITH MY BEER YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO PUNCH ME IN THE FACE TO PREVENT THAT FROM HAPPENING.
I just wish I had a snapshot of his attempted front flip off the bar. There are some things that are worth getting a life ban for, and the moment of impact with his foot and that lady's face was one of those things.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
It's your last night of vacation right? Be the Oprah of dick. And you get a dick... and you get a dick, and you get a dick!!!
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