Who goes to Church hungover
Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
I hope you enjoy this collage I made of you and me getting fucked up together
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
If this gives you any indication of my current state, I stopped at Meijer after work and bought funyuns, pregnancy tests and chocolate.
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Randomize
