threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
Liz is crying about burritos again.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
I have feelings that need drinking.
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
I am watching Wayne Gretzky and Alexander oveckhin play video games for charity. What is life right now.
Randomize
