Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
I am broke enough to accept it. If I get poisoned, you can have my shoes
I've been on this train for an hour and this women has been on the phone and all she's said is "guuurrrrrlllll, gurl, gurl." I may commit suicide.
I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow
One of the art pieces was basically this chick throwing raw meat at the audience, anyone who got hit (which I did) got a free shot of whiskey. It was worth it.
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
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