i just remebered what i did last night, i asked a homeless man on a bike "hey whatcha doin with that bike, wanna make 5 bucks?" he agreed and then rode me on his handle bars a block away to the next bar.
Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Did I wash my face last night at your house? Where did my eyebrows go??
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
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