I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
last night i found out that about 5 of my friends audio recorded us having sex through the bedroom door, then auto tuned it in the tpain app on his iphone.
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
Let's just do a victory lap through all of our exes.
It was crazy man, at one point after already going 3 rounds I tried to breakaway for a smoke...she yanked me by the nipple hair back on top of her.
You're the only guy I know who could convince a lady at the pharmacy to trade you her pain pills for your antibiotics.
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
I guess the weekly d&d orgies are treating you well
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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