I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
And then I remembered we banged to Beethoven & I was like you will never get this ass again
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
