I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
It’s like a buffet of marriages! Every option is available to you!
Accidentally searched up "pizza pasties" instead of "pizza pastries". I was not disappointed.
Sex in a hot air balloon, top that one!
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
Randomize
