I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
he said we should drink responsibly and we all just kinda sat there laughing at him
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Randomize