Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
saw my dad's penis on the x-ray last night. at least his hip wasn't broken
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
I shouldn't be that hard, but i cant exactly put "a guy to tie me up and fuck me and then brush my hair" in my dating profile
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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