My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.
stop calling my apartment porn island.
buying booze in bulk is always a bad idea. i wish there was some direct deposit-like system
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.
Took three klonopin and turned all my jeans into jorts. I miss you
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
I need to hire someone full-time to slap food and dick away from me.
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
I just punched myself in the vagina to prove a point. Please pray for me.
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