It was kinda weird being the boss
Did you feel like Tony Danza?
Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?
I just applied for an unsubsidized loan naked. I love the internet.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
I acted like I was still sleeping as she gathered her stuff to leave.. that's when she let one rip
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
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