WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
Did u see the proverb she left as a comment on my picture?
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Next time a random bus filled with santas pulls up to the bar, I'm not getting on it.
Apparently I came into our room and told her that there should be a zipline from our window to Walgreens so that I could get chicken noodle soup
I'm not sure when I will get off this toilet at work but it's not looking promising
as a side note pls kill me
With each thrust he'd whisper "like a ninja." Should I be flattered or appalled?
Randomize
