Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
You were playing beer pong by yourself. Finally someone took the ball and threw it into the bonfire. You sat by it, cried, and contemplated how to get it out. For 45 minutes.
I'm telling everyone at work the mark on my neck is a hickey but really I was taking a shit while straightening my hair and burned myself
When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
We're walking, taxis are a waste of money that can be spent on alcohol.
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
His idea of hot sex is sticking his finger in my dark star while doing me Missionary style. You can tell he's from the Bible Belt.
Does he smell like BBQ?
Inside and out.
Randomize
