There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Remember that time we turned a can of Axe body spray into a flame thrower?
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
