god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I woke up to my bra draped over his lamp and a huge bump on my head. apparently, I face planted while having sex in the shower..
you licked my face then when I finally got you to the bathroom, mid puke you said you liked the taste of my foundation.....you weren't drunk at all....
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
She grinded so hard on my face that I've got rugburn on both eyelids
You're moving up the public shitting ladder
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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