If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab
Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Just to warn you I probably wont be able to do anything that involves standing up
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
The one time I decide to bring people over you are laying naked on the coffee table watching the ceiling fan cause "it just moves so fast" I'm guessing you got paid today??
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Randomize
