It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Is it sad that the only reason I haven't lapsed into depression is that I'm prettier than her?
Nah, we all need something.
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!
you have no idea the dirty thing i want to do to your blad spot. please wear my vagina as a hat.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
Randomize
