i just looked up and i was like omg ballsack and then i didnt know what to do
okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.
again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
You sat on a wall pretending to be a gargoyle before shouting "batman!" and jumping at me
I'm the drunk Des Moines deserves, but not the one it needs
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
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