Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
He gave me a card that said "I'm so glad we found each other... In the pants" and a pat on the head... My walk of Shame wasn't so bad.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
They don't even know who I am but they just woke me up with maracas and invited my boobs to a kegger
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Can’t. Tonight’s a netflix and dick night
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