I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
People dont know what to do when a naked fat guy is running towards them. they panic
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
wrestling a boy for fruit? sounds suspiciously like foreplay...
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
ORGASMS AND PIZZA
PIZZA AND ORGASMS
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
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