You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter
Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
She wouldn't fuck me because I had a cast, so I took her friend home
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
No my problem is I'm working and its a beautiful Saturday. I should be recovering from a hangover and out golfing. Fuck responsibility. I miss college.
Randomize
