Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
just fell over trying to sit on the toliet like a robot.
remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
my boyfriend just told me he used to have genital herpes. I was gonna have sex with him, but now it's SOOO over.
what kind of stupid fuck tells you that BEFORE sex? he is definitely not a keeper.
You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I told him we could use my stove to make weed brownies, from that point on he kept reffering to me as "best pledge ever"
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
a victory without nudity is not really a victory
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
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