There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.
Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"
I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
A huge penis doesn't warm the soul. Or that's what I've had to tell myself.
I still have a little drunk in my system
All I want is dick and wine.
You took off your shirt and pulled out a bottle of cherry uv and a slushee. That's when I knew you came to party
Maybe for you. You don't have to clean the melted butter off the stove. I LOST THE SPECIAL SEASONINGS.
Randomize